We all joke.
It keeps conversations light, reduces tension, and makes friendships easier.
A good joke can lift someone’s mood instantly.
But there’s a side of humour most people don’t talk about:
the moment when jokes cross a thin line and start hurting someone from the inside.
It doesn’t happen suddenly.
It starts small — teasing, pulling someone’s leg, making fun of habits, looks, voice, weight, mistakes… all in a “fun way.”
We assume the other person is fine because they smile.
But smiling is not proof that someone is okay.
Sometimes it’s just how people survive awkward or painful moments.
Psychologists call this masked emotional discomfort — pretending to laugh so people don’t see that the joke actually stung.
Why harmless jokes sometimes hurt deeply
According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula (a well-known clinical psychologist),
repeated jokes about a person’s weakness create micro-injuries — small emotional wounds that build up over time.
These are not dramatic breakdowns.
These are silent hurts.
You don’t even realise the damage until the person becomes distant or stops opening up.
Another study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review found that when friends repeatedly joke about someone’s insecurities, the brain reacts as if it’s experiencing social rejection, which activates the same area activated during physical pain.
Yes — the brain processes emotional hurt almost exactly like physical hurt.
No wonder people break silently.
A real scenario therapists talk about often
Counsellors frequently mention a pattern like this:
- Someone is teased for being slow, shy, sensitive, overweight, underweight, or not “smart enough.”
- It starts as a joke.
- Everyone laughs.
- The person laughs too — because what else can they do?
- But later, they think about it nonstop.
- The joke becomes their inner voice.
- Confidence drops.
- Self-worth shrinks.
- They begin avoiding the people who “love joking.”
- Friendships weaken, sometimes without a fight.
One therapist called it:
“Death by a thousand jokes.”
Each one tiny, but together they become heavy.
Over-joking can break trust
Sometimes people don’t get hurt because of the joke itself.
They get hurt because they realise:
“Oh… this is how they see me.”
Or worse:
“My feelings don’t matter to them.”
That’s what breaks trust.
Not the laughter — but the insensitivity.
Humour is amazing when it connects.
But it becomes destructive when it disconnects.
Why people hide their feelings after a hurtful joke
Most people don’t say:
“Hey, that hurt me.”
Why?
- They don’t want to look “too sensitive.”
- They fear being told, “Relax yaar, it was just a joke.”
- They don’t want to be the one who “ruins the vibe.”
- They hope the other person will naturally understand (but that rarely happens).
Therapists call this emotional masking.
You pretend to be okay because expressing discomfort feels harder.
But inside, you collect these moments — and one day, you simply stop trusting the person.
Signs that your joking has crossed the line
If the other person:
- goes silent suddenly
- forces a laugh
- looks away
- changes the topic
- becomes quieter around you over time
- stops sharing personal things
- takes longer to reply to messages
- seems different in your presence
…your humour might be hurting them more than you think.
People rarely say anything; they simply withdraw.
A small story (based on real cases shared by therapists)
A boy in college was always teased by his group for being “too quiet.”
Every day someone would poke fun at him.
He laughed along each time.
One day, he stopped coming to the canteen.
Stopped sitting with them.
Later he told a counsellor:
“I didn’t mind the jokes at first.
But after a while, I started believing that I’m actually strange or boring.
Their jokes became my reality.”
None of his friends ever realised their “harmless fun” created a deep insecurity in him.
How to joke in a healthier way
- If the person doesn’t joke back with the same energy, stop.
- Avoid joking about someone’s insecurities (weight, looks, income, past mistakes, family, habits).
- Never joke repeatedly about the same thing.
- Check the tone — sarcasm hurts more than people admit.
- Notice their expression, not their laughter.
- If someone goes quiet, apologise.
- Ask once in a while:
“I joke a lot. I hope I don’t cross a line with you?”
That one sentence can save a friendship.
In the end…
Jokes are good — they bring people closer.
But over-joking, especially about the wrong thing, can break someone quietly from the inside.
There is a very thin line between humour and harm.
Crossing it takes one second.
Coming back from it takes years.
So joke freely…
but joke gently.
The strongest-looking people are often the ones hiding the deepest reactions.
